Leaving ‘Jake’s on 4th’, Jaymes hesitated when he had reached the Subaru, debating. What he really did not want to do was meet up with Desiree at the funeral home. The thought struck him as he entertained it. He had done it once before, why not just drive home, pack up what he could, and simply just vanish, not saying a word. He knew this would not be the right answer, because wherever he would end up, the black hole Ellyn’s death had left it’s gruesome indelible mark on his heart and life. Suddenly, he felt a cold chill move along his spine. Everyone I loved dies somehow, or just drifts away, he began sorrowfully, feeling so alone at the thoughtless sense of isolation. Withdrawing into himself, he opened the driver’s side door of the Outback and saddled up behind the steering wheel.
Where did I go wrong? He continued his emotional assault on himself as he turned the ignition. What is it that I am not doing right? He gripped the steering wheel, then reached down and shifted the vehicle in reverse; slowly backing out of the place he had parked. I feel so out of place and alone here. Why me? Why could it be someone else? He felt the anger boil within him. Pulling out of the parking lot and onto Fourth Avenue, unsure of where he is going, he just drove. I still have Chandler, Megan, Georgia and Desiree, he assured himself. Out of all of them, only Georgia could relate, as well as Chandler. Chandler more so than Georgia, but both have had experienced the same kind of loss. Georgia and her Roman, Chandler and his Jasmine, he commented, following the road up to Martin Avenue. His thoughts sped like a freight train through his mind. I need to get away, he finally stated, pushing his foot down onto the accelerator. The car picked up speed, exceeding the posted 35-mph speed limit of the four-lane road. Why couldn’t the doctors save her? He squeezed the wheel tightly. It’s not their fault! It is my fault. I’m the one that killed her. If I had stayed home as she asked, she would still be alive and we would have had an intimate evening out. I had spared no expense for her. He took a deep breath, holding it in, and then exhaling slowly. He had rented a yacht for a midnight cruise around the Inlet. The bed on the yacht covered in red and white roses, her favorite flowers. Expensive wine was waiting to be shared. I would have given her the ring she admired a couple months ago. Now she is dead and it’s all my fault. I’m the only one to blame.
He came out of his revelry quickly, swerving, narrowly missing the sudden drop from the shoulder of the road. Hitting his brakes, the vehicle swerved, tires squealing. His heart beating, almost wanting to explode from his chest, as blood pounded in his ears. Between a narrow side street leading away from Martin Way and a hotel, there was a gully on either side of the four-lane road. The gully was mostly brush and swampland, and the drop was steep and sudden. Catching his breath and slowing his heartbeat, Jaymes fished around in his pocket for his cell. Finding it, he pulled it out and searched through his phone’s memory for a number. Locating Georgia’s home number, he pressed the send button and listened as the call rings through. Come on Georgia, dammit! Pick up, please…. He spoke into the phone, only the dull monotone ringing answering back. Hearing a click, he listened to her recorded voice she left. Disconnecting the call, he searched for another number. Locating her mobile number, he pressed the send button again, ending in the same result, reaching her voicemail. Hanging up, he tossed the phone onto the passenger seat of the Subaru and pressed his foot against the accelerator. The front and back tires spinning on the gravel pavement as he maneuvered the Outback back onto the roadway, and then turning the steering wheel violently so that it made a tight U-turn, he headed back to where Georgia lived. I have got to talk with someone, and the only one I can talk with is Georgia, he commented, forgetting the possibility that Chandler might be available. He raced through a red light.
Veering the vehicle onto another street that extended at an angle from Martin Way and he passed The Olympian Journal’s Building. Speeding through a series of red lights, he maneuvered the vehicle onto East Bay Road, and down along the drive leading to Georgia’s home.
Parking the vehicle, he gathered his composure and fumbled with the keys in his hand. Knocking loudly at her door, he anxiously looked around. With no answer, he searched his key ring for Georgia’s house key. She had given Ellyn a spare key when she was cleaning Georgia’s home, Jaymes had helped out occasionally, and they watched her home while she was out of town on vacation. He had tried to return the key to her, but Georgia insisted on them keeping a copy just in case both of them needed to come over for anything and she was not at home.
With trembling hands, he held the key and after several attempts, he unlocked the door. Locating the alarm panel, he entered the alarm’s code to disarming the alarm. After closing the door, he moved into Georgia’s kitchen, located a teapot and filled it with water. Placing the teapot on the stove, turning the burner on, the water began to boil. He rummaged through a cupboard, finding where Georgia stashed her teabags. He retrieved a cup from the same cabinet and opened the tea packet up, depositing the teabag into the cup.
After a few eternal moments, the steam whistled, reminding Jaymes of an old-fashioned steam train approaching from a distance. Pulling the teakettle from the hot burner, he turned the stove off, and filled the cup with boiling water.
Sitting at the table in Georgia’s kitchen, hands cupped around the hot ceramic cup, the pain of Ellyn’s death becoming all too consuming, he patiently waits for the water to bring out the flavor of the herbal tea. Forget Desiree and forget everyone right now, he whispered under his breath. Desiree could manage without me, I just don’t want to deal with the arrangements, the funeral, it’s best I probably just go. Leave everyone and be on my way. He stared into the pool of liquid in his cup, and then stirred it for a moment with a spoon he had retrieved from a drawer in her kitchen. He lifted the teabag out of the water, and wrapped the string around the spoon and wet teabag, squeezing any remaining liquid from the bag. Setting aside the spoon and bag, he took a sip of the hot herbal liquid, allowing it to soothe him, calming his nerves as he closed his eyes in a feeble attempt to relax.
Opening his eyes, he took another drink and heard the front door come open, then closing.
“Jaymes?” Georgia called out, coming through the living room, then kitchen. “Jaymes…you okay?” she asked, pleasantly surprised to see him there. She placed a bag of groceries down. Coming over to where he sat, she hugged him tightly. “Everyone was trying to get a hold of you,” she finally said.
“I have my cell with me…” He paused, patting his pockets to make sure he did in fact have his cell phone with him. “I think I left my cell in my car.” He attempted a smile. “I’m doing alright, Georgia.” He took a short drink of herbal tea, the liquid having cooled some.
“Jay, don’t lie to me. I could tell by the way you look, you’re just completely out of it.”
“Georgia, I need someone to talk to. I can’t talk with Chandler because…well I think it’s just awkward to talk with him, even though he had lost his wife to a horrible death. And Megan, well she has too much going on right now. Dealing with work since I’m not there, and distraught just as much as I am over Ellyn’s death. And well, I can’t talk with Desiree because of personal reasons.”
“And so you figured you could talk with me?” she questioned softly, pulling up an empty chair to sit across from him.
“Yeah…because you and I go back and because you probably know what I’m going through, other than Chandler.” He looked away.
“Jay, I’m here for you anytime, you know that. Ellyn’s death is hard on me too. I just am not sure if I would be of any help to you right now. What I do think you should do is give Desiree a call, because you were supposed to meet up with her at the funeral home earlier to help with the arrangements.” Georgia quieted for a moment. “Even though you had asked Megan and I to help you out…” She didn’t want to express how she felt about Desiree commandeering the whole arrangements.
“I’ll call her, but Georgia, right now I just need to be away from everyone, except for you. I just… I don’t want to be alone right now.”
“Tell you what. I will order Chinese take out, we will sit and talk and spend some time together. You are more than welcome to stay here with me for as long as you need. But, I still think you should call Desiree up…” Just then her phone rang and Georgia excused herself from the table.
“Hello?” she answered. “Hi, Desiree. Yes, Jay is here right now. I don’t know how long he has been here, but he is here. Listen, Desiree…Uh huh. Right. Understandable…I know you’re upset. Okay…Actually, Desiree, I think Jaymes is wanting to be left alone…I can ask.” She turned to Jaymes “Do you want to talk with her?” Jaymes debated for a moment and then motioned for the phone. Georgia handed him the cordless.
“Look Desi, I’m real sorry, I just don’t want to deal with anything right now…I’m confused, hurting…yes…yes…I know we are all upset Desi, but…Desi please don’t…Desi?” Jaymes just looked at Georgia for a moment and then handed her the phone back. “Desi hung up, she said that I’m being selfish right now and thinking that I’m the only one suffering from Ellyn’s death. And can’t understand why I don’t want to help with the arrangements…Georgia, I’m just not…” He looked away.
“You’re not ready to accept Ellyn’s death, accept the fact that she is really gone…” Georgia paused for a moment. “Jay, I know how you feel. And it’s something you have to work through. Trust me it will be hard, Jay. It’s going to be hard for all of us. She was a great person…” Georgia regarded him for a moment. “Jay, we’re never ready to accept the loss of someone we dearly love. Even if we know those we love are ready to pass on. I’m not going to say I truly understand how you feel right now, because we all grieve in different ways. But, the reason you probably are wanting to avoid helping with the funeral arrangements is because you don’t want to face the reality. You want to go home and find her there. Find her waiting for you, to hold her again, to feel her close…” She looked away, staring out her large window that overlooks the eastside of Budd Inlet.
“I don’t mean to put the burden on Desiree and all, it’s just that I can’t right now. If I go there to the funeral home, go to Ellyn’s funeral for that matter, then she really is gone. Nothing I could do to bring her back.”
“Jay, you are right in what you just said…well…the latter part that is,” Georgia replied. “There is nothing you can do to bring her back. If there was something you could do, then it would be something most people could do before you and I were ever conceived,” she spoke softly. Reaching over, she touched Jaymes’s hand for a moment. “Whatever you do Jay, I’m behind you…know that much. I love you.”
“I love you too, Georgia, and I appreciate your kindness.” He swallowed hard, “Could I use your phone, and have some privacy,” he asked. She handed him the phone, and nodded, leaving him alone in the kitchen for a few moments as she tended to her groceries. When she finished, Jaymes had hung up the telephone. “I called Desi back and apologized to her. She is still upset, but somewhat understanding I guess. Desi also informed me that Ellyn’s funeral is not until this Tuesday, and that and that there is going to be a private viewing of her at the funeral home Monday afternoon for family and close friends.” He sighed heavily. “I’m going to make some phone calls to see if I could find some old friends of Ellyn’s inform them. Which is what I had told Desi I came over here to do, while she was setting up the arrangements. Desi figured that works out best because she hardly knows most of Ellyn’s old friends she used to hang out with.” Jaymes smiled weakly. Georgia offered a smile as well.
“I’ll get dinner ordered.” With that, Jaymes found an old tattered phone book and looked through to see if anyone were listed. After a couple hours and many phone calls, he had decided to call a friend of his he had not seen in a long time, to help him locate some of these people.
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