The Olympia First Baptist Church was a quaint narrow building with the sanctuary facing the parking lot. A small foyer conjoined the smaller building with the larger one, with a courtyard stretching behind two doors you saw when you immediately entered. Jaymes stopped inside the foyer and looked around a moment, taking in the table with the guest book and a framed picture of Ellyn which her parents had brought in. Jaymes had never seen this particular picture as his eyes took in the image. She was much younger then, her hair barely touching her shoulders, and those attractive midnight blue eyes seem to hold his attention. Georgia came up behind him and looked over the picture as well.
“Jay, you need a moment?” she asked softly, hugging him close. Chandler, Megan and Mitchell had already been ushered to their seats.
“I’m fine,” he lied and Georgia knew it, but said nothing as the two walked into the sanctuary, arm in arm.
The pews were angled in a V-shape with a single aisle separating the left side of the room from the right. Two smaller aisles ran along each wall as stained glass windows are evenly spaced along the eggshell colored wall. Jaymes walked to where his friends were seated earlier, his eyes taking in the congregation of people who have come to bid farewell to Ellyn. He only recognized Ellyn’s family as he looked over the crowd.
“So much for a small family affair,” Jaymes quietly said to Georgia. Georgia kept her arm wrapped around his as both sat quietly, holding hands.
Jaymes looked to where the platform was, his eyes resting on the large cross that seemed to be centered on the wall above the choir loft purposefully. The main aisle ending at the foot of the cross. A large purple robed scarf hung over the arms of the cross as Jaymes turns from it and rests his eyes on the pastor seated on the platform.
Pastor Reynolds moved up to where the pulpit was as the pianist came in and took up his seat at the piano, his fingers slowly beginning to strike the ivory and black keys like a lover’s intimate touch. Music slowly lifted and fell in the somber atmosphere, hushing out various sobs, filling the air as the sanctuary became as quiet as possible. A unified humming seems, suddenly melding with the melody the pianist skillful creates with fingers dancing romantically along the keys.
Jaymes sat back, allowing the hypnotic rhythm of the music to take its hold as the congregation began to sing the familiar hymn – How Great Thou Art. Jaymes silently mouthed the familiar words, as the parishioners became one unified chorale of voices. Looking toward the coffin, Jaymes pictured Ellyn humming the hymn when he would wake from dreadful dreams he had had. He took in the dark cherry wood casket as his mind drew up precious jeweled memories of Ellyn. Another portrait of Ellyn rested on top, centered on the coffin, an arrangement of flowers surrounding the portrait.
Ellyn had her back turned slightly, her eyes staring out into the sea of faces before the casket, but to Jaymes, those midnight blue sapphire eyes were staring at him. Her hair cascading to one side, she had her hand resting on her right shoulder, her head tilted to one side as her chin rested on her hand.
Closing his eyes, he pictured her sitting there on the blanket. Jaymes had come home from work early and told her he wanted to do something out of the ordinary.
“What do you mean you want to do something out of the ordinary?” she asked softly. Jaymes just smiled as he pulled a blanket from the closet. “It’s late Jay, what are you up to?” She checked the clock. Jaymes said nothing as he went into the kitchen and picked out a bottle of wine from his collection of wines. Walking out the door, Ellyn followed, curious as to what he was scheming. When she stepped out of the house, he had her car running.
“Let’s go, baby girl. I just want to spend the evening with you.” He smiled wryly.
“You can spend the evening with me, Jay.” She came up close to him, taking him into her arms, brushing her cheek along his. He always loved how she did that gesture, as she would kiss his neck softly, her breath warm. “Jay, what are you up to?” she had quietly whispered into his ear.
“It’s a surprise, come on, hop in,” he had said, walking her around to the passenger side of the car.
“Jay, I’m not even dressed for going out,” she had protested, looking at her attire. She was wearing one of his cotton tee’s that accentuated her upper body, and a pair of jeans that had a hole in one knee.
“You look great, El.” He smiled again, kissing her lips.
“Jay…!”
“El…come on, trust me. You’ll like it very much.” He had raised his brows in a seductive attempt.
“You’re too much, you know that?” She climbed in as he shut the door. Jaymes then saddled up behind the wheel of her car and before long was moving down their street toward the freeway.
It had only taken a few moments, but Jaymes had maneuvered the vehicle into the Capitol Campus, and figuring it was midnight, he parked the car in the first angled stall.
“What are we doing here? Jay?” she pressed, looking at him in the darkness.
“You’ll see, baby girl.” he smiled coyly.
“Jay, wouldn’t we get caught here?” she protested weakly.
“So what? I said I wanted to do something out of the ordinary.” He climbed out of the vehicle, opened the back hatch of the vehicle and retrieved the blanket, a picnic basket and small bag. He walked around and rapped on her window. “You coming or should I enjoy this perfect midnight hour all alone?” He had given her his best sad puppy eyed look.
“Jay.” She knew she could not resist his childish charm as she had stepped out of the vehicle. They both walked over to the fountain, which is a replica of the Tivoli Fountain in Copenhagen, Denmark. The fountain sported streams of water spraying out 360 degrees, white lights illuminating the curtain of waterfall. The Alaskan sandstone of the Capitol’s dome was picturesque against the evening sky as stars were painted against a black velvet canvass. Jaymes had laid out the blanket on the ground and soon had candles surrounding the perimeter of the blanket. A bottle of wine on one side and a picnic basket of cold chicken, potato salad and a stereo spilling out a soft jazz melody. Ellyn sat on the blanket, she sat much like the picture Jaymes drank in now, the picture on top of her coffin, still recalling that night.
Jaymes had started kissing along her neck, holding her close to him. Just as the two were beginning to enjoy a moment of passion, a State Patrol Vehicle had slowed down, shining a bright beam of light onto the couple making out near the fountain. Jaymes and Ellyn, oblivious to the passing patrol as the cruiser passed by, leaving the two of them alone.
Georgia politely elbowed Jaymes in his side, bringing him back to the reality of the funeral service.
God, if you truly are there, tell Ellyn how much I miss her, how much I love her. She means everything to me. I just don’t understand why, but I am hurting, deeper than I have ever had hurt before. I feel lost without her, and am not sure how I am able to get on with my life without her. She meant everything to me. She meant everything to me…
A sense of peace began to fill him as his thoughts and prayer trailed off; the congregation finished out the song. Jaymes quickly looked in Desiree’s direction, she was weeping, her head bowed. Her quiet sobs joined those of others throughout the church.
Turning his eyes back to the pulpit, he focused on the Pastor, watching the round roly-poly man move back and forth, in front on the platform. Separating the congregation from the raised platform was the casket. The piano’s melody lingering long after the fingers softly played the last note. A serene silence filled the sanctuary as Pastor Reynolds gripped the pulpit on both sides as he looked down at his notes, his Bible, and then scanned the sea of faces staring back at him. His eyes seemed to rest upon Jaymes as both men exchanged a quick searching glance. Jaymes noticed that there was something in there, fire, passion as the pastor moved from the pulpit and walked forward, to the edge, looking down onto the coffin.
“All have sinned…” he softly began. Standing, slightly overweight, the tailored suit open. “I said, ‘all have sinned.’ ” His voice rising an octave. Some in the congregation responded by saying ‘Amen!’ “Paul, the Apostle, wrote…” he then moved quickly over to the pulpit and picked up his Bible and held it open. Lifting it high so all could see then brought it down as he found the passage he had opened to earlier. “Paul, says here in Romans 3:23 – “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
Jaymes cringed a little. The last thing he wanted to listen to was a message on the depravity of mankind, how, because of this depravity, he stands in need of redemption and saving grace from sin, lest death comes upon him. Though, he had no religious up bringing, he had taken the time to study the Bible, soul searching to make some sense of his life before he had met Ellyn. Bracing, Jaymes realized what was coming next. This is for Ellyn, this is what she wanted, I’m here honoring her, her life, what she meant, and the impact she had, he spoke underneath his breath, Georgia turning to regard him for a moment. Jaymes just shook his head.
“…If we are full of sin, if we suffer death…” The pastor’s hand spread over the coffin as Jaymes felt the anger boiling. “But, the Lord provided a means to overcome the suffering. The hurt, the pain we all face. Whether it is the lost of those we love…” The pastor again pointed to Ellyn’s coffin, pausing for a moment. “I said the Lord God has provided a means to overcome the suffering we all face, do you hear what I am saying?” He was now building, his voice projecting forth loudly. Though, Jaymes usually admired the pastor on the occasions he had encountered this man, Jaymes felt that this time the pastor has stepped over the line.
“That means, ladies and gentlemen…” He paused, taking a sip of water. “That means is manifested in John chapter 3, verse sixteen, where we read – ‘For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.’” One thing about preachers is that they become good orators and know how to let a thought linger. “For God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten Son.” He paused again, picking up the Bible (a shiny black slender book held hostage between his small stubby fingers) and closed it; he brought his open palm against the book, creating a thunderous noise that echoed throughout the sanctuary. “Ladies and gentlemen, God sent his Son into this world. Yes, he taught the disciples. Yes, he healed the sick. Yes, he performed many wonderful miracles.” Again, another pause as he picked up his pace staring out toward the people, before his eyes narrowed onto Jaymes. As the pastor stared at Jaymes for a moment, causing Jaymes to feel like he was the only person in the audience.
“We may complain about the loss of those we love. We may even snivel about the loss of job and other trying circumstances that plague our lives…but all this pale in comparison of God sending his only Son into a world full of hate, bigotry, and sin. Sending his only Son into a world full of sin and death. Only that his Son was nailed to a wooden cross to suffer and die.” His voice rose to a crescendo as he reached the point.
“God’s son died, worse and horrible than this young daughter of God. Though she now lays in eternal rest, she is with the Lord, and why?” He pauses again. “Why is she with the Lord? …The one who suffered far greater than anyone of us could possibly understand?” Jaymes began to feel a little restless as the pastor took his focus off Jaymes. The pastor then took another sip of water. “But death could not hold him. Are you with me?” He jumped the platform sounds with a muffled thud as his whole weight comes down. Bending backwards, he shouted, his voice was thunderously strong and powerful, startling some of those sleeping. “I said, Death could not hold the Lord Jesus Christ when he was in the grave!” He emphasized each and every single word. “Why?” His voice soothing like a summer breeze.
“Why couldn’t death hold him down?” he asked sincerely. He continued his montage. Jaymes would rather escape and go outside and hide from this nonsense. Yet, he suffered through it, tolerating the message. “Death could not hold him because he claimed victory, and he claimed victory over sin on the cross, and he claimed victory over the grave. I’m here to tell you that the Lord Jesus Christ died for our sins, and then rose the third day to only sit yonder in heaven above, setting you and me free.” Another crescendo of words rising and falling as his voice fluctuated between different series of octaves. He then walked over to the casket where Ellyn rested peacefully, kneeling, reaching out and touching it.
“This young lady, this daughter of God realized that the only way to heaven is Jesus Christ. Though she lies here before us…” His hand wiped his face as Jaymes looked closer, his eyes sparkling, shining with tears. Jaymes leaned forward now, watching intensely. “Ellyn died; a woman who believed that when she died she will live, and live as the Lord promises in his word. She now lives with the king, awaiting the day her spirit and body will be reunited once again.” He allowed this thought to linger as he steps down from the platform and now stood in front of the casket. “Ladies and Gentleman, if you are not sure…if you have doubts in your heart and mind as to where you will go when you leave this life, there is security in knowing there is hope.” He moved, pacing back and forth. “There is hope that if you put your faith and trust in Christ, he will deliver you from sin, and he will deliver you from the clutches of death. Death could not hold him, neither will he let it hold you.” He finished off the service, asking people to bow their heads asking if they have would consider trusting the one who conquered sin and death. Jaymes just kept his eyes opened, but his head bowed in respect.
After several minutes, the pastor asked the family to provide their thoughts and memories on Ellyn and the impact she had on their lives. He sat back down, wiping his eyes, smiling, exhausted. The first person who approached the podium was Ellyn’s father. Jaymes began to slump down in his chair.
“My daughter, Ellyn, was a very wonderful lady. I have had always been proud of her. Though her death was untimely…” he choked on his words for a minute. “We will always remember our daughter, Ellyn. A woman who held a special place in my heart.” Mr. Hadean stepped down from the pulpit. After a few moments of silence, Desiree stood and approached the podium and looked around the sanctuary.
“Ellyn…was…” She crumbled a tissue in her hand. “She was a sweet person, a person I loved. I will miss you, El,” Desiree cried as her mother came up and helped her back to her seat.
Jaymes sat, rubbing his hands together as he realizes this was his time to say something. Slowly, he stood, and walked past the casket, stopping for a moment to reach out and touch it. He then made his way to the pulpit and as he stood behind the podium, he stares down for a moment. Looking up, and out into all the eyes staring at him, he began.
“Ellyn was a very special lady that I hold dear in my heart. A woman I had fallen in love with each and every passing day. A woman I still love.” A disruptive cough caught him off guard as he looked in the direction it came from; Desiree just looked at him. “Some would think that I never deserved a woman like her.” He carefully formulated the words in his cluttered mind. “How will I remember Ellyn?” He sighed, looking back to the casket, keeping his eyes focused. “I’m remembering Ellyn every day. How we met, our wedding day, and the many trips we went on.” Jaymes choked back tears, as the lump in his throat seemed to grow. Holding his emotions at bay, like an enemy holding back the advancing army. “Ellyn will be missed by one and all.” With that, Jaymes hurried back over to his seat.
Pastor Reynolds finished out the service with a prayer, then the family stood in line, receiving condolences from all those who came to pay their respects.
Excusing himself quickly, Jaymes walked over to the casket and those who were asked to be pallbearers and stood ready. Eight of them took hold and lifted the coffin, slowly carrying Ellyn’s body down the lone aisle of the church, out the main entrance and to the awaiting hearse. Loading the casket into the hearse, Jaymes closed the rear doors to the hearse and watched as it pulled away. Moving quickly to the first limousine, Jaymes joined Mitchell, Georgia, Chandler and Megan as the convoy begins to move.
The cemetery was on Yelm Highway and Custer Way, as the convoy of vehicles snaked their way along the residential street, passing the Elementary school Jaymes once attended when he was a child. The vehicles progressed along Yelm Highway, making the turn into the large cemetery.
No one spoke along the way as Jaymes stared out the darkly tinted window. He suddenly felt uncomfortable being under the microscopic gaze of Ellyn’s family. Jaymes somehow felt that overpowering feeling of being a stranger amongst her family members. Within moments, the convoy arrived at the cemetery.
Jaymes walked a few paces behind everyone else as the small congregation of people made their way to where some chairs were set up. Instead of sitting next to Desiree, Jaymes sat next to Georgia, holding her hand. Pastor Reynolds spoke a little more about death, dying and the grieving process. Pastor Reynolds closed the final burial rites and came to stand before Jaymes. Both men shook hands once more and the Pastor offered to talk if Jaymes needed his counsel and advice. Ellyn was finally laid to rest, but Jaymes had not yet put her to rest in his heart.
Now, he found himself alone, staring at the casket. It was only four days earlier when he had spoken with her, had felt her warm breath on his neck, her body pressing against him. Come on Jay stay home with me. Call in sick. She was seducing him because it was their anniversary. Why did you have to leave me? He silently asked. Rubbing his face, he could feel the stubble pricking his hands. The last four days were filled with nothing but memories of Ellyn. Her voice, her smile, the way her eyes sparkle. How she loved him, held him close, talked with him and supported him. All the things they went through together and separately came back, flooding him to the point he had started drinking again. At first, it was to quench the pain, the emptiness gnawing at him. He was certain Georgia could see him drinking again, so also Megan and Chandler. Mitchell had offered Jaymes to stay at his two-bedroom flat.
Declining all their hospitality, he decided to stay at the house, avoiding the master bedroom. He mostly kept himself locked away from everyone, drinking until he passed out. He had not touched alcohol for several hours. Although his body craved for it like a starving animal craves food. He did not want to appear to those fake friends and family of Ellyn’s that he was back to boozing it up when things did not go so well. And having seen Jacob there at her funeral service angered him even more. But what could he do?
Nothing but loneliness in his life now consumed him. Sure, he had Chandler, but Chandler seemed distant these past few days. Megan was picking up his workload at the office, giving him an extended paid leave. Georgia was willing to come over to the house to visit with him when she is not working, checking up on him to see how he was doing. Mitchell also offered to check up on him when he had a free moment. Yet, without Ellyn, Jaymes was filled with uncertainty.
The image of his mother came back again, taunting him as he remembered how she ceased to exist, how nothing seemed to make her happy anymore. She just became an empty shell until one day the loss of his father consumed her. When will I reach that point where I just can’t bear the pain anymore and simply just end it all? He commented softly to no one in particular. Remembering that he was here at this crossroad, the depression and sense to just die holding him bondage. The night Ellyn told him that Jacob had found out about her affair with Jaymes, devastated him. He remembered that every bridge he crossed he would stop, allowing his hands to grip the railings tightly as the sensation to know what it is like to jump, to feel his body hit the pavement, or the cold waters of the Inlet.
Hmm, and what would you ever do without me? Her words began to echo in his mind. Was she telling him something was wrong and he hadn’t noticed it? Did she really commit suicide because he went to work, leaving her alone? Standing quickly, he approached the casket and laying a rose, wrapped with baby breath and purple and white jasmine, on the casket, he stared heavenward. If you are there Ellyn, somewhere, I love you. I hurt, and I miss you. I’m sorry for leaving you and going to work when you needed me. I wish I could take back that day. Take back that morning and listened to you. If I had stayed home, you would still be alive. You would still be in my life today, not here, in a casket. We would have grown old together as we talked about many times. God it hurts baby girl. It hurts deeply. Sighing heavily, he turned and walked away from her coffin as a gentle breeze blew through the cemetery, like a careless whisper.
His eyes looked toward the ground, he shoved his hands deep into his pockets. Only questions filled his mind. For the first time in four days, the realization of Ellyn’s death seeped into him. She was his world, his friend and lover as the idea that she committed suicide still bothers him. Looking up, he noticed Georgia standing there waiting for him patiently. When he reached her, she hugged him tightly.
“Everyone is over at my place right now. We figured you probably should be among friends instead of family that really doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.” She smiled, her eyes sparkling as he gazes into their cool depths. “You truly were a thorn in their side today though.”
“Yeah, well I…I guess they have all the more reason to hate me now.” He broke from her. “Actually, I think I should just be alone for now.”
“Jay, you’re not drinking again, are you?” she asked, as if she could smell the lingering scent of alcohol on his breath, his eyes glossy and red.
“Georgia, please. I just want to be alone, that’s all. Everything is happening so fast. I feel like a deer watching a train bearing down on me, frozen in my tracks and all I can do is stand there watching it come at me. Eventually it is going to hit, and it’s going to hit hard.”
With that, he turned from her and started walking down the road, his head hung low, whistling a blues tune. Georgia knew that when he started whistling a blues tune, he was not himself. The wall was slowly being rebuilt, driving everyone close to him away. She felt his pain, a stabbing emptiness gnawing deep in her gut as he kept walking away from her.
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