Sitting in his car, he stared at the Baptist church that held the service for Ellyn almost three Sundays ago. Why he decided to come here, he did not know. Maybe it was because the Pastor knew Ellyn and in some way shape or form, he would be able to help Jaymes. Sober, and collected, Jaymes extinguished the cigarette and got out of the car, heading toward the main entrance.
Unlike Sunday, the church held a solemn quietness. A peaceful serenity flowed, lingering as he stepped inside. Getting turned around in the foyer and hallways, he finally managed to find the pastor’s office. The first office was that of the Pastor’s secretary.
“Mr. Sprague, how are you doing,” Her cheery spirited voice irritates him as he nodded.
“Doing alright I guess.”
“Pastor Reynolds is expecting you.” She moved from around her barricade of a desk and escorted him into the pastor’s office, which was two doors down the other side of the narrow hallway.
“Pastor Reynolds…” she introduced Jaymes.
“Yes, I know Jaymes, thank you.” They chattered about some church business before he closed the door and took a seat in the other empty chair, and not behind his ornate dark cherry wood desk. His bookshelves ran along the wall underneath the window, then up and around the far side of the wall. Jaymes allowed his eyes to scan, catching some of the titles of the books, Interpreter’s Bible Commentary, Theology of Paul, and other books about certain church doctrine, and history.
“I’m glad you wanted to see me Jaymes.” His voice was calmed from the fiery passionate sermon he had given.
“I guess I need to just talk with someone,” he began.
“Jaymes that is what I am here for. My job is not limited to getting up and preaching what God lays upon my heart every Sunday. But my job is also to minister and touch the lives of God’s children. Reach out and comfort them when they need to be comforted, encourage when they need to be encouraged, and challenge them sometimes when they need to be challenged.” He stopped, waiting for the words to sink into Jaymes.
“Pastor, I need to be a little frank here, I am not here to get saved, not here to hear a sermon, and not here to get into a Bible study or argument with you.” He paused, sighing. Pastor Reynolds leaned forward a bit, hanging on every word Jaymes spoke. “I guess I just came here because I am having difficulty dealing with Ellyn’s death.”
“Son, death is not easy. Death is hard.” He paused, becoming more sympathetic and more concerned. His words precisely chosen. “Death affects us all, we don’t understand it sometimes.” Another pause, as he leaned back into his chair. “But death is to be overcome. I know you don’t want to hear it Jaymes, but Christ died, he did not have to.” Another pause, longer this time.
“Pastor, what I guess I am saying is that you knew Ellyn, she came here sporadically when she wanted to find some answers to her life, even when I couldn’t understand it. She was a good person and it worked for her. Now, whether or not she is in heaven singing praises to God, I don’t know. I don’t think you can even assure me, give me a one hundred percent guarantee of the fact that she is in heaven. I want to believe she is there.”
“Jaymes, my boy, whether we know for sure, we can’t. But as long as she was faithful to God, as she was faithful to you, then she is in heaven.”
“Well…” Jaymes scratched his head, shifting uncomfortable under his gaze. “I just have some things I want to talk about. And I didn’t want to go to some stranger I don’t know, but I need to talk to someone about this.”
“Jaymes, anything you want to talk about, we can certainly talk about.”
“The problem, how shall I say this, has to do with Desiree.”
“Desiree?” He held a quizzical look.
“Yeah…you see, when Ellyn and I were married for over almost a year, Desiree came into town from Europe and Ellyn and I set her up on a blind date with this other guy. Anyway, Ellyn was called into work, Desiree’s date left earlier, and her and I were left alone, drinking wine. We ended up…and I never told Ellyn. Not until a couple nights ago.”
“Jaymes, we all fall, we all deal with sin and temptation. I am not saying what you did was right, but sin is a tool to keep us captive. However, God has granted each person the ability to deal with sin, through repentance. Once we repent…”
“Pastor, I hate to cut you off, but there is something more…”
“Oh?”
“I met my daughter for the first time in my life, well first time in seventeen years. She is wanting to develop a father daughter relationship, which I don’t mind. But, I also am back in contact with her mother as well. Now, Desiree thinks that I am betraying Ellyn and her too, by allowing Dakota and her mother back into my life. She doesn’t think it right and I am just completely confused about the whole issue. Also, those feelings I had toward my daughter’s mother are starting to awaken again and I feel that I may betray Ellyn if I get involved with Lacey.”
“Jaymes, again, if I were to pass judgment onto you, I should not preach the word. Was this something you were willing to do?”
“I don’t know. See that’s the problem. I love Ellyn so much that her death is tearing me apart. I’m drinking every day, and suddenly I come across my daughter I haven’t seen for ages, Desiree is wanting us to rekindle a romantic affair because her claim to her love for me.” Jaymes caught his breath and realized he had just spilled everything he was holding in.
“Jaymes,” the pastor began, then reached for his well-worn bible. “I know you don’t believe, for whatever reason, and that is up to you. But here, this comes to mind, here, Psalm 55, verse 4…” The pastor handed Jaymes the bible and points to the verse. “Read it aloud.” Jaymes just stared at the black printed words on the page.
My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, ‘Oh, that I had the winds of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest- I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far form the tempest and storm.’ “
Those words crossed his mind, soaking his parched soul like rain drops soaking the dry ground
“I…I…I’m just not sure.” He handed the pastor the bible back.
“Listen, Jaymes, I won’t pretend I understand what you are going through. I won’t pretend that I know where you are coming from. What I can do is share hope with you. Hope that through this tragedy you will find peace and comfort. You will find the love that surpasses all understanding, love that even Ellyn could never offer you, no one can.”
“Pastor, I’m just not sure what I am going to do. I feel like I’ve betrayed Ellyn by not telling her sooner about the affair I had with Desiree. I was afraid of losing her, afraid she would not love me anymore. And then my daughter, she seems understanding, but I don’t know her, she’s a stranger to me. And I just feel like I’m suddenly alone, while everyone is wanting to just get along, move on with their lives while I’m sitting here tying to figure out this whole thing.”
“Jaymes, don’t try to analyze it too much. Listen, if it would help, you want to pray?”
“I don’t pray, and frankly I did not come here for this.”
“Jaymes, something brought you here. I believe it is God, wanting to reach out to you, wanting you to know he understands, wanting you to know he loves you and is there waiting for you. Knocking on your heart.”
“Pastor, thank you for your time and sharing with me what you shared, but I have to get going.”
“Jaymes, I will pray for you, okay? This is a hard time, and it seems all is lost, but you will pull through, and remember. Whenever, wherever, it does not matter. God is there, waiting all you have to do is humble yourself, fall to your knees and open your heart to him. He already knows, he is just waiting for you.” Pastor Reynolds spoke softly, leaning back in the chair. Jaymes looked at the gentleman for a moment, seeing the same passion and fire the pastor had for life. The words sinking in somehow.
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