Leaving his house, Jaymes decided to drive along East Bay road to where Priest Point Park was. Pulling into an empty parking stall, he noticed that there were no other vehicles or people around as he cut the life from the engine. A light rainfall invaded the earlier sunny day as he sat alone in the vehicle, everything quiet as he enjoyed a cigarette.
Droplets of rainwater blurs the windshield as he stared, trying to count each droplet that glistened like small diamonds before running down the pane of the glass. Ellyn always loved coming here with Jaymes, as they would walk along the many different trails that are maintained during the summer months.
Stabbing out the cigarette, he shrugged on the raincoat. Exiting the vehicle, he locked up the car and headed off toward the Ellis Cove Trail. His eyes drunk in the wet evergreens that stood as sentries guarding a hidden lair of treasure one hoped to discover. With his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans, he picked up a slow steady pace and soon found himself alone – cold, wet, and distant from the world behind him. Somewhere, he could hear the chattering of a squirrel as he keeps his methodical pace. His mind whirled around the morning of their anniversary and what Ellyn had said to him. Her voice had been soft and smooth, a bit teasing. Hmm, and I wonder what you would ever do without me. Those words echoed in his mind. I don’t know what I would do without you, he had replied. The conversation thickened in his mind, churning his stomach as he stopped and looked around him, taking note of the world before him.
The one thing he hated most about his life was the fear of being alone. Being alone and having no one he could relate to. Having no one he could talk with and understand him, to have no one he could grow old with and share life’s wonders and grief with. But, here he was, alone and the sense of abandonment cloaking him like a heavy blanket, choking and suffocating him.
Chandler was right, he had been here before – the very crossroad of many he had come across. The death of his father and then mother took him by surprise, turning his world upside down. Being an only child, he had no other family to turn to and very few friends who were there for him. Yet, through the pain of his parent’s death, he somehow managed to keep moving on. He did what he needed to do and not having anyone there to help him, to listen to him, except for Chandler. Now, it was different because Ellyn was always the person he would turn to, having her there to talk with when he felt disparity hit him like the Washington monsoon-like weather. If only she could be here now for him, but she was not.
Leaning against a tall evergreen tree, he felt the cold callousness of the bark. The moistness of the damp moss that covered part of the tree’s trunk. Much like the bark of the evergreen, he could feel his heart slowly harden once again. Rain falling heavier and with steady rhythm, his eyes looking through a curtain of rain and seeing the harshness of the world before him as his thoughts moved like a freight train at a great speed.
Where are you Ellyn? I need you right now and you are not here. I can’t do this alone. His mind reeled as he lowered himself to the wet ground, soaking his jeans as his back pressed against the evergreen’s trunk. Tucking his knees up close, his hands hugging his knees, he took in the small open meadow stretching out before him. You promised to never leave me, to always be by my side no matter what. His eyes tore up as he could feel the rain increase, water dripping down his back and face, tears falling from his eyes, blurring his vision and mixing with the rain. Wiping the rain and tears away from his eyes and face he allowed the emotions he had bottled up to flow through him, his body shuddering, shaking as the pain, the emptiness, the anger and the loss moved through him in a river of grief.
I am so alone right now, baby girl. I am so empty, and I don’t feel I could go on anymore. I just want to die. I just want to be with you and hold you again. I want to come home and find you there. I wake up at night reaching over but you are not there. I want to feel the warmth of your body close to mine again. I want to make love to you again. I failed you baby girl, I failed you that morning and left you alone. If only I was there with you instead of going to work, you would still be here with me.
The pain and loss of Ellyn was gripping his heart like cold iron talons, slowly ripping at his heart, torturing him as he fights against the pain.
His hand fished inside the pocket of his rain jacket as his fingers caressed the cold handle of the .38 revolver he had pulled from the glove box of his vehicle. Ellyn had always detested him getting a gun. I just want to die. The thought lingered heavily on his mind, sickening him even more as he removed the revolver from his pocket. His eyes took in the handgun as he turned it, pointing the barrel toward him as he stared down the chamber the bullet would explode from. His heart was racing as he could hear the blood pounding in his ears. Fear and pain consumed him like an out of control forest fire. He lifted the gun and pressed the cold barrel to his right temple. His finger caressed the trigger as he paused for a moment, allowing his thoughts to consume him and his eyes looked out into the world before him one last time as the rain let up a bit. A trickle of sunlight pierced the gray world, golden rays of sunlight as he catches a glimpse of a figure standing off in the distance.
“Dakota needs you right now, and you need her.” The voice cried out in his dark thoughts, a female voice, distant, but audible. It wasn’t his voice, and Jaymes could hear it clear as day as though someone were talking with him. He watched the figure approach him, almost floating, coming into focus. Lowering the weapon to his side, his hand still gripping the handle. “She needs you in her life now, and so does Lacey.” The figure was blurred again as the rain subsides even more. “I love you Jaymes. I have always loved you for who you are.” The figure approached closer and became clearer in appearance. Jaymes allowed a heavy sigh to escape when he recognized the person standing before him. His heart racing, pounding, wanting to drive through his chest.
“Ellyn!” he cried out, his voice echoing off the trees. The figure stood before him. “Ellyn, you’re alive. You’re alright. This is all a bad dream then. You’re not dead.” Forgetting the revolver, he stood up, taking her into his arms, Feeling her embrace him as she kissed his lips lightly.
“Jay, don’t do this to yourself. Don’t do this to your daughter or Lacey.” Her voice was soft and comforting, reassuring. “I love you Jaymes. I love you with all my heart and soul. I had promised myself to you. And I will promise things will turn out for the better. Please, just promise me you will never forget me. Remember who I am, who I was and what I meant to you. I’m still in your heart, Jay. I’m still here with you.” He stepped back, wanting to drink in her beauty. Wanting to make love to her, to feel her touch.
“Jaymes!” A frantic call of his name interrupted him as he opened his eyes. Realizing that he was hugging the tree and kissing it, he quickly turned. Desiree stood there, her hair soaked in the rain that was now gone. Her breathing heavy as her chest rose and fell with each breath. Her gaze was cold and angered. Her eyes darted from the revolver that was laying on the ground and his surprised eyes. “What the hell are you thinking?” she asked, approaching him and quickly snatching up the weapon. “God! You have got to be kidding me.” Jaymes looked her over for a moment.
“Desiree…I…I…can’t do this anymore.” He lowered himself down again. “I can’t live without Ellyn in my life,” he said, standing again. “Don’t you understand? Don’t you get it? I’m so empty, so cold and I feel so alone.” Desiree approached him cautiously. Reaching him, she took his hand into hers and pulled him to her, embracing him as her lips brushed against his lips, then her lips brushed against his neck. She whispered into his ear.
“Jaymes…please, this is not the way to deal with it.” Her voice was compassionate and soft as she broke away from him. “Let’s go home, Jay. Let’s go home and talk about this, okay? You’re scaring me here.” She stepped back a little, her eyes searching his and seeing the storm of pain that plagues him, the hardness of his soul in turmoil. “Jay, you have me now. You have Chandler…” Her voice was cut short as they both looked off toward the direction for the loud baritone voice as they both saw Chandler approaching.
“God damn, Jaymes! What are you doing?” Chandler reached the two and looked at the revolver in Desiree’s hand.
“He had this on him.” She handed Chandler the weapon. “I’m just glad we found him in time before he went and did something stupid.” Chandler took the weapon and opened the revolver’s cylinder chamber to find that there were no rounds in the weapon.
“Well, he wouldn’t have done too much damage dear Watson, for there are no bullets in this here gun,” Chandler relaxed.
“Jay, let’s go home, okay?” She took his hand into hers again and the three of them walked back to where their vehicles were parked. Desiree rode with Chandler, and when they came back to where Jaymes and Chandler had parked, Desiree opted to ride along with Jaymes, worried more about him than ever. Chandler didn’t protest and soon, Jaymes found himself alone with Desiree as she took his keys from him and they dove down along East Bay road, back toward downtown Olympia. Chandler had confiscated the weapon, grateful he didn’t find his friend dead from a self-inflicted wound.
“I can’t lose you, Jay.” Desiree broke the uncomfortable silence between them. “I need you as much as you need me. I promised Ellyn that I would look after you, to make sure you are going to be okay.” She sucked in some air. “I’m moving out of my apartment and would like to move in with you.”
“Why do that?”
“Because, you are not in the best condition to be left alone right now. Today proved that, Jay.”
“Desi, I’m not sure if that would work.”
“Why, Jay? Why would it not work?”
“Because…” He caught himself before he spilled his feelings. Feelings that Desiree reminded him so much of Ellyn, and that every time he saw her, he saw Ellyn.
“Because why?” Desiree pushed trying to encourage him to open up. She made a turn from East Bay road onto State Avenue.
“Nothing, it’s nothing.”
“No, it’s something, Jay. Something you don’t want to tell me.”
“Desi, it’s okay. Could we please drop this, I’m so burned out and drained right now.”
“Jay, I’m only trying to help, okay.”
“I understand, but just give me some time. I just need to figure some things out, that’s all.”
“Fine. But just know that I’m here for you.”
“Where are we going?” Jaymes asked, noticing they were heading toward Olympia’s southern suburb, Tumwater, Washington.
“I gotta get some things from my apartment okay, Jay.” She lit a cigarette and handed Jaymes one.
Jaymes had only been to Desiree’s apartment a handful of times. Situated on a hill, the complex overlooked Capitol Lake, the Puget Sound, the Capitol Building and the old Brewery and Deschutes River. He waited in the car as Desiree took some time getting together a small bag. When she returned, Jaymes had finished the cigarette she had offered him.
“Need to stop and get some smokes on the way back home,” he said casually.
“Sure.” She started up the car and drove out of the apartment complex to a small convenience store where Jaymes purchased two packs of name brand cigarettes, disgusted at the rising cost of the unhealthy habit. Enduring another uncomfortable silence, she maneuvered the vehicle back to where Ellyn and Jaymes’s cottage home was.
Pulling into the drive, she allowed the engine to die, waking Jaymes from his catnap. Stirring, Jaymes stretched and exited the vehicle, lumbering lazily toward the door of his house, searching for the keys, realizing Desiree had them. Desiree unlocked the front door, and stepped inside, Jaymes trailing behind her. Closing the door, she placed her bag onto the chair.
“Do you have Georgia’s number?” she called out picking up the house phone.
“Yeah…why?”
“I just want to call her,” Desiree replied.
“Whatever, I’m going to lay down.” Jaymes disappeared after rattling off Georgia’s home number to Desiree. Closing the bedroom door, he collapses onto the queen size bed he and Ellyn used to share.
“Jay?” Desiree called out softly, opening the bedroom door.
“What?” Jaymes sits up and looks at her as she made her way over and sat next to him.
“I would like to call Georgia…but right now, just wanted to make sure you are okay.” She moistened her lips. “Georgia is worried and I told her I would call her when we found you and brought you safely home, hopefully alive.” She took his hand into hers. “Jay, please talk with me.”
“Talk with you? Why? What is there to talk about Desi?”
“Jay, oh never mind. I’m going to let you be and call Georgia to let her know you are okay.”
“Fine Desi…” Jaymes stood and stretched, watching her depart, the door closing behind her as he fell back onto the bed.
Desiree picked up the house phone and sat at the dining room table, she had dialed Georgia’s number and on the third ring, Georgia answered.
“Hey, it’s Desiree…yeah, he’s doing alright. Yeah…Chandler and I found him at Priest Point Park…he had a revolver on him. Yeah…thank God there were no bullets though. Good thing Chandler is a detective…uh huh…Yeah, I think he should talk but he won’t talk with me much…Sure…I will let him know…Thanks Georgia.” Desiree hung up the phone and sighed. She moved over to the couch, the sleeper still pulled out as she sat on the mattress. Laying back, she stared up at the ceiling as Jaymes stepped into the living room.
“So, what did Georgia have to say?”
“She wants you to call her, Jay.” Desiree sat up and patted an empty spot next to her and Jaymes sat, then laid back.
“Desi, it’s not that I don’t want to talk with anyone, it’s just that it still hurts right now and the only thing keeping me going is focusing on spending time with Dakota.”
“Are you sure you want to spend time with Dakota because you want to be back in her life as her father? Or, do you want to spend time with Dakota because she is the one and only person that is filling up that void?”
“I don’t know Desi, I really don’t know. Maybe both, I guess.” Jaymes rubbed his face as Desiree laid next to him, her hand rubbing his chest as she crossed her leg over one of his. Her body was warm as she was laying next to him on the bed.
“Desi, why are you here?” he asked.
“What do you mean by that question?” Desi laid her head on his chest.
“Desi, I’m just wondering if the reason you are here is because you want to be more than what we already are.”
“Jay, what are you getting at?” She paused for a moment. “You want us?” Desiree moved up on top of him, her hand unbuttoning his shirt. “Jay, I thought…well…”
“Desi, I think you misunderstood what I just said.” He stopped her hands, holding them as he could feel the electricity moving through his veins.
“Jay, what do you want? You want us or you don’t want us?” She brushed her lips against his. “Jay, I do want you but I can wait. I want you to be ready before we become serious again. But I do miss you.” Jaymes placed both his hands on each side of her waist and pushed her off him, turning and laying her on her back. Standing up, he ran his fingers through his hair.
“Desi, I never said I wanted us. I just don’t think you understand.”
“Try me, Jay.” She stood and moved toward him as he backed up. Just as his back hit the wall, Desiree pressed her body against him, pinning him there against the wall. The phone suddenly started ringing.
“I need to answer the phone,” Jaymes replied.
“Let it ring, right now I just want to talk with you.” She pulled the phone from the cradle and then replaced it back down, disconnecting the call. Jaymes pushed Desiree back and picks the phone up again. After checking the caller ID on the phone, he dialed Georgia’s number.
“Hi, Georgia? Yeah this is Jaymes…yes…yeah…Desi told me you wanted to meet up and talk with me. Yeah that would be great…uh huh, okay will be right, thanks.” He hung the phone up and looked at Desiree.
“Georgia wants me to come over right now and talk with her. Why did you tell her about my little adventure at Priest Point Park?”
“Jay…Oh, just forget it, okay.” She then turned from him and stormed off down the hall to the master bedroom.
Jaymes looked on for a moment. I’m beginning to hate her. Why couldn’t she be the one to kill herself and not you Ellyn? Jaymes thought quickly, smiling wryly. He then snatched up his coat and made his way out of the house. As he stepped outside, he decided to take Ellyn’s car instead of his own. Saddling up behind the steering wheel, he turned the ignition as the engine purrs to life. Pulling away from the curb, he headed toward Georgia’s home.
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